Beautifully Undone: Struggling To Find My Footing

Lately my cry to God has been that whatever I have to give, be it little, that it is His to do what He wills.  I had dreams back in Bible college, dreams bigger than I knew how to handle.  The world was open and I was free to do whatever I wanted.  When I think back to that time in my life, the passion and zeal for God, knowing that I would give all that I had up in a moment for Him, I don't recognize that girl.  Not that I don't have passion, zeal, and wouldn't give it all up for Him.  I'm just different because I've grown in so many ways.  Since moving I've been having a hard time finding my footing.  As of now we've found a church home.  This is the first time in a long time I'm in an area, not knowing anyone in the church, not being a part of ministry and I feel lost.  Really lost.  Driving to church Sunday I was wondering if this really was the place for me, for us.  Honestly, the response that I heard in my heart was that God wanted me to be a nobody right now. That my time would come to fulfill what He has called me to do, that He wants me to sit, be still, and find total dependence on Him instead of people.  Here I am, back where I was 15 years ago, in Bible college, crying out to God, asking that He would fill every part of me until there was no need for anything or anyone else.  It's strange and difficult.   Even I as type that out I want to erase it.  I don't want anyone to know that God spoke that to me, because I'm in new territory.  I don't want to be held accountable for giving that information out.  I want to keep that as my secret so that if I get to uncomfortable I can do what I want.  The Spirit is willing, the flesh, weak.

 Tonight, Mr. Hagge took the girls on an errand and I felt the Lord tugging me to sit in His presence.  With worship music on, He directed me to look through old pictures from Bible college and from the time I spent in Virginia.

  Looking through the missions trips and times spent in ministry, He reminded me of where I have been.  I began to long for those moments where I knew I was directly in God's will, ministering to those around me. With tears in my eyes, He soothed my heart, and said, "You have gone where I have asked you to go. You are where I want you."  This is not my end, it's a new beginning with a slow start.

I don't know.  Maybe you are struggling and don't feel like you are fulfilling God's will in your life.  Maybe you feel like you aren't doing enough because you look around and see others double timing it.  Maybe you feel like you have nothing to give.  Because of tonight, I'm here to tell you, sit down, seek the Lord, let Him speak to your heart and direct your path.  He wants to do so, if you will let Him.

Tonight I have been reminded of who I am and have been beautifully undone with hope in my heart.  I am in His will and my hands and feet are His.

Local Park Stories

Hey!  I don't know if this will be a series of blogs from me, but lately, at the park, I've met some REALLY lovely people and wanted to share my park experience yesterday.  I was headed to check out a new park and traffic was very bad.  Honestly, I felt like the Lord was redirecting me to the same park we had visited last week, so, that's where we headed.

First up is Ms. Debra.  Mother of two daughters.  One very ill, one highly educated.  Her sick child, Ashley, has had numerous surgeries from a debilitating sickness with no cure. She's headed for another surgery as we speak.  I made sure to tell Ms. Debra I would pray for them, would you join me?  Just one little prayer?  She's from New Orleans, but raised her children in Baton Rouge.  She was a care taker for disabled adults and now cares for her grandson during the day.  What I loved most about Ms. Debra was that it was obvious that she truly has a heart to aid and assist others.  What broke me down was when she told me she is now caring for her great niece from Texas to give her a chance at life, to excel at school, to have a childhood.  This precious child was looking after her 18 year old autistic brother, was made fun of in school because she couldn't care for her own personal hygiene because she was looking after another.  Right then and there, Ms. Debra began to cry and my heart cried with hers.  I praised her and encouraged her for being such an incredible human being. We hugged, she headed home. It was my honor to have met Ms. Debra and I hope to run into her again.

Next up is a lady I will call, Sunshine, because I failed to get her name.  She was there looking after a mentally disabled adult.  I was thrilled that she was there because it gave me a great opportunity to teach my girls about others who are different.  I encouraged Oregano to go and talk to Rebecca and she expressed that she was a little afraid, but she went and talked to her anyway.  I walked a few feet away with Bugsy and to my delight I saw Reagan walk up to Sunshine and began to ask questions.  They talked for a long time, so long in fact that Reagan snuggled up to her.  LOL!  Then Oregano and Bugsy played with Rebecca.  Then off we went, back to home, sweet, home.

My heart was full yesterday afternoon.  Not because of me, but because I had the opportunity to peer into others lives, to learn from them, hear their heart, their stories.  Ultimately, the Lord is giving me the opportunity to let others know they are prayed for and to be encouraging. This is not me giving myself a pat on the back, but rather, me saying yes to God, yes to a mission. It's not always comfortable, but the rewards, immediate and long term, are fantastic.

What are your stories from meeting strangers? I would love to hear about them.

PS. I'm so sorry if my stories seem choppy.  I'm trying not to get too lengthy.  Stay with me.  :)