Beautifully Undone: Struggling To Find My Footing

Lately my cry to God has been that whatever I have to give, be it little, that it is His to do what He wills.  I had dreams back in Bible college, dreams bigger than I knew how to handle.  The world was open and I was free to do whatever I wanted.  When I think back to that time in my life, the passion and zeal for God, knowing that I would give all that I had up in a moment for Him, I don't recognize that girl.  Not that I don't have passion, zeal, and wouldn't give it all up for Him.  I'm just different because I've grown in so many ways.  Since moving I've been having a hard time finding my footing.  As of now we've found a church home.  This is the first time in a long time I'm in an area, not knowing anyone in the church, not being a part of ministry and I feel lost.  Really lost.  Driving to church Sunday I was wondering if this really was the place for me, for us.  Honestly, the response that I heard in my heart was that God wanted me to be a nobody right now. That my time would come to fulfill what He has called me to do, that He wants me to sit, be still, and find total dependence on Him instead of people.  Here I am, back where I was 15 years ago, in Bible college, crying out to God, asking that He would fill every part of me until there was no need for anything or anyone else.  It's strange and difficult.   Even I as type that out I want to erase it.  I don't want anyone to know that God spoke that to me, because I'm in new territory.  I don't want to be held accountable for giving that information out.  I want to keep that as my secret so that if I get to uncomfortable I can do what I want.  The Spirit is willing, the flesh, weak.

 Tonight, Mr. Hagge took the girls on an errand and I felt the Lord tugging me to sit in His presence.  With worship music on, He directed me to look through old pictures from Bible college and from the time I spent in Virginia.

  Looking through the missions trips and times spent in ministry, He reminded me of where I have been.  I began to long for those moments where I knew I was directly in God's will, ministering to those around me. With tears in my eyes, He soothed my heart, and said, "You have gone where I have asked you to go. You are where I want you."  This is not my end, it's a new beginning with a slow start.

I don't know.  Maybe you are struggling and don't feel like you are fulfilling God's will in your life.  Maybe you feel like you aren't doing enough because you look around and see others double timing it.  Maybe you feel like you have nothing to give.  Because of tonight, I'm here to tell you, sit down, seek the Lord, let Him speak to your heart and direct your path.  He wants to do so, if you will let Him.

Tonight I have been reminded of who I am and have been beautifully undone with hope in my heart.  I am in His will and my hands and feet are His.